??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
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