Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Rumble strips road head = magical
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
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