Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
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