Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Loading more great texts...