I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Send us your Text From Last Night!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
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