I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
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