Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
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