At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
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I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
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