That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Sex on roller skates
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
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