I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
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