Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
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