Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
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