Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
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