Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
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