This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
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in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
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