Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Send us your Text From Last Night!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
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