Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
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