do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
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