This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
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