I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
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