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You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
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