Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Loading more great texts...