I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
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you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
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