I just got carded by a ten year old.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
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