I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
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