I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
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