they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Send us your Text From Last Night!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
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