Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
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