Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
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