And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
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