did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i've created a new STD.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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