The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
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