She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We have started to decorate penises.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
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