The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
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Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
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