You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
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