Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We have started to decorate penises.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
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