After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Send us your Text From Last Night!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
50% drunk capacity currently
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
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