i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
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Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
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