Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Houston, we have a blender
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There's always time for handjobs
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Less talking, more tequila
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
they're like a gay fantastic four
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow