Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
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I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
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