I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Send us your Text From Last Night!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
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