and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
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