I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
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you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
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