Beer Popsicles are better in theory
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I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
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