4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
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She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
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