It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Loading more great texts...