i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Loading more great texts...