Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
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I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
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