I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
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