I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
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well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
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